Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A fickle mistress

I wanted to get this down before I forget it again.

Depression is a fickle mistress. Those of us in her thrall are well aware of this. One minute (or day or week or...) we're really down and there's no point in trying to do anything more than breathe and the next (with proper medication and the grace of God) we're able to maintain our emotional lives at a fairly decent level. When the fairly decent level times out number the down times, that is counted as a good thing and the medications are doing their jobs and God is in his heaven and all is right with the world. Even with the medication, there are still downs and we know that, but they are not so bad as they would be without the medications. Those leveled out times are what we strive for in the the world of chronic depression and believe me, they are well worth the effort.

Something happened to me yesterday. I was totally unprepared for it and it surprised me so much I didn't quite know how to deal with it. I felt good. Really good. I was even, dare I say, HAPPY for a while! It had been so long since I felt that way, I really was unprepared for it. I must say, I enjoyed it immensely. It wasn't a feeling of euphoria or super good mood or manic upswing or anything like that. It was simply a period of happiness that went on for several hours.

It did not last, but that is alright. I'm glad to have experienced the time. I can hope it may happen again and that will help keep me going, even through the bad times.

Somewhere there is still a bit of light.

Thoughts?


Pax,
Nelson

Friday, July 18, 2008

Laughing

This evening, Walter and I were goofing around after dinner and Samuel was watching us. Walter was laughing and I was laughing and Laura was laughing, too. All of a sudden a fourth laugher joined us! Little Samuel was laughing his little butt off at Walter and me! As far as any of us know, the baby busted out into a belly laugh for the very first time.

I had forgotten how wonderful the first laugh from a baby is.

I hope each and every one of you has the privilege of hearing a baby's first real laugh at least once in your life. There's nothing else like it in the world. And so I will not even try to offer a description. I may have had all sorts of thoughts and worries and doubts about him up until that point, but once he cut loose with that sweet sound, none of that mattered anymore: I knew he was gonna be alright.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Rumours Continued

Well, I must have read good enough. I'll be playing the part of Welch, the policeman.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Rumours, continued.

Auditions tonight were fun and I think I read pretty well. Going back again tomorrow night. Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow night if I got cast, but it may not be until later in the week. We shall see.

Pax,
N

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Reaction

I was reading a post over at my friend's blog (thanks for that, Musings!) and it got me to thinking. I don't normally like to think overly much because then I have to be aware of things on more than a reactionary level and sometimes that can be painful for me.


A lovely by-product of depression.


Anyway, the post was a poem, I think. I'm not sure what it's from, but it was credited. It deals with (as I interpret it) delusion and desire. It mentions a dying nation. I'm taking that to mean our nation, but it might not. It could be any nation, I suppose, where there are rich and poor people. You can read it here, if you wish.


Our nation is not yet dying, but it's definitely in need of some reshaping. What's important isn't defined by the dollar rising and sinking, but I think we let ourselves feel that way sometimes. It's easier than facing whatever personal issues we may be having. Introspection is difficult when faced with price crisis and the need to have the next best thing. It seems that greed has become equated with need.


For example: I would love to have a new SLR type digital camera. I really would. I feel like I need and deserve it. But WTF!?!? I don't even have a freekin' JOB! How dare I want a new camera? How could I delude myself into thinking of it as a need? The human mind is infinitely clever at ways of deceiving itself. Mine is no exception. New camera does NOT equal need (in my case). But I do want it...


Of course, what is important is life and how we choose live it.


A new system of values must needs be developed and implemented. It must start at a personal level and move into the mainstream once begun. I don't see how it can work any other way.


I just wish I knew how to do it.


Thoughts?

Pax,
N

Monday, July 7, 2008

Rumours

Auditioned for Rumours by Neil Simon. Was asked to come back next week, so we'll see...
Pax,
Nelson

Walking in Memphis

I took a fast walk around my neighborhood this morning. It like to killed me. I started out, full of good intentions to walk a good deal further than that. I shortly realized I was not going to get as far as I'd hoped, so I reset my sights to a walk around the block. I got hot and the lack of sleep last night quickly began to catch up with me. I tried to out walk it and went a little faster. Weariness went faster than I did.

It was a fast walk and it was hot, but still. I have got to get into shape. Or I will die a much sooner death than I had anticipated.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson