Virginia Governor has declared that all schools will remain closed for the rest of the school year.

So.

We got that going for us.

COVID-19 is really putting a bind on our country and the world.

Have to admit, I am a bit on the scared side.

Pax...
Nelson

I have what I think is called a bunion on the right side of my right foot over the joint where my little toe connects to my foot. Hurts like fire. I don't know what to do about it, so I pretty much try to ignore it. Not happening that way today. Hurts very much bad. In fact, the entire right side of the foot hurts today. I'm stuck with pain pills. Those are not helping either.

By the way, lost my job with Genworth October 22, 2019. Still searching for a new job.

So I have that going for me.

My eldest son Walter and I are in the play MASH together. That's been fun so far, but the army boots definitely do not help with the foot pain.

There's plenty other news I could write about, but not today. Maybe later.

Pax,
Nelson

Good morning.  Saturday morning and so much has happened since my last post.

Briefly:
1. Lost our home.
2. Paid off the bankruptcy.
3. Moved into a 3 bedroom basement apartment.
4. Lost my job.
5. Applied for and got Medicaid.
6. Applied for and was approved for unemployment insurance.
7. Used all the money in my prior retirement savings to live on.
8. Applied for TANF and SNAP.
9. Await tax money and TANF and SNAP.
10 Let's not forget the COVID-19.  Have not contracted it, but it has had a major impact on the whole world.

The above are not necessarily in strict chronological order.  They are in the order of what cam into my head when I was making the list.

It's been a rough few years. 

How's your day?

Pax...

Nelson

A bit of summer

Just a little bit of summer from over ten years ago.  I was going through some old files and cam across this one and just had to share it.  I hope you like it.

Tired of it

I'm so damn stressed, I don't know where to put myself.

Pax,
N.

Well then

OK.

So I'm stressed almost beyond my capability to handle it.  The people who tell you not to worry about money are usually those who have plenty, or at least enough, of it.  I am not one of those people.  I am one of the people that other people call one of America's working poor.
 
I'm so tired of not having enough money to support my family that it hurts.  There is no solution for my present situation.  We live, literally, from paycheck to paycheck.

And the paychecks are never enough.

Still, I keep on keeping on because there is nothing else I can do.  If I give up, as I am sometimes sorely tempted to do, my family will become homeless and hungry very quickly.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." wrote Henry David Thoreau in his famous work Walden.  I never really appreciated what that meant until this point in my life.  I understand it all too well now.

I pray, I pray, I pray.

And I work.  I thank God I still have a job in this time when so many still do not.  

But enough of that for now, I suppose.  

I see I have not posted for a very long time.  Most of the comments from previous posts appear to be spam.  Interesting.  Little do those spamming bastards know but my little blog is read by very few actual people.  Joke is on them, yes?

HA-HA to you, spamming bastards!

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

A little ditty

I sing a song of depression:
it sings only of regression
and never moving ahead.

In my mind is darkness:
my force of will is sparkless
infused instead with dread.

I can't remember happier days:
there are no brighter ways
to banish darkness from my head.


Pax,
N.

I remember the old days when the family of generations would gather in the parlor and we would all stand round the piano while my mother played Silent Night and we would all sing together, the young and the old, and no one was ever off key or if they were no one noticed because of the love and the deep sense of tradition that made us all one in that one warm bubble of a moment. It's not like that anymore and is unlikely to be again. I'd give almost anything for one more moment like that.

Pax,

N.

Wednesday

Yes.  It is Wednesday and a beautiful day outside. I hope you can get out and enjoy it.

pax,

N

Blue

Depression, when it hits, hits hard sometimes.  This is one of those times.  Hopefully, it will soon pass. 

Pax,
N

To Twit? Or not to Twit. that is the question...

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I just don't get Twitter. Why would anyone on the planet be interested in my thoughts-of-the-moment? Even if I had time to post them, who would want to read them, really? I mean, I'm just not that interesting... Or am I?

Thoughts?

Pax,

N.

New job

New job is good to have, but Big Daddy is TIRED! Working OT all week and not used to it. Still, it's a JOB!

Peace,
N.

Guess what?

Anybody still out there? Just in case there is someone, I am posting a shortie, but goodie, at least from my viewpoint.

I am gainfully employed!!!

I start training for my new job with Genworth Financial on 10/4/2010. I am both excited and more than a little nervous, but I am certain it is a good move. I'll have seven weeks of full time (8-5:30) training and then I'll be working part time at around twenty-five hours per week. Perfect for me, because I'll be able to put one child on the bus in the morning and pick up the other from daycare in the evening.

So for those of you who still check on my blog every once in a while, wish me luck!

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Living with Depression: The Sneak Thief

The thing about depression is that it can sneak up on you. You can be going along having a perfectly normal day and suddenly you realize that you're in a deep funk for no discernible reason. You haven't done anything wrong and no one has wronged you in any way. Just BAM! And you're having what Ernest Hemingway called a 'black-ass' day.

What do you do? You see if you took your meds that morning and you find that you did take them, so that isn't it. You examine your life at that moment to see if anything is amiss (if you're able to, that is) and nothing is wrong. So that isn't it either.

Then you remember that sometimes, you're just gonna have these kinds of days, because that's the nature of the disease. You didn't do anything and you couldn't have prevented it. It's not your fault! It just happens sometimes and there is no way to know when.

Having this knowledge doesn't help much, but it does help a little. And if you're following all your rules, there is most likely going to be a light at the end of your dark tunnel. You may not see it yet, but it's most likely going to be there.

What I try do do when this happens to me is to find something else to occupy my mind. Read a book, go to a movie, go take a walk (a really good choice), watch the idiot box (that's not usually a good choice, but hey, whatever works for you). The trick is to trick your mind into forgetting that you are depressed and when you can pull off this trick successfully, man, it's a good thing.

And if it doesn't work, well, you just have to ride it out as best you can. When I get that way, I crave company and can't stand to be around people at the same time. Really weird, huh? But there it is... Then, for me, there is the inevitable mountain of guilt over not being able to fight it off and the feelings of self doubt and self worthlessness threaten to become overwhelming. I don't want to be around other people because I can't stand to be around myself, so why would anyone else want to be with me? It is a vicious cycle which often results in a downward spiral of despair. Sounds overly dramatic? Not when you're in it.

Sometimes writing can help me work out of it. Sometimes not. I sometimes find myself quite unable to do anything, so I just sit or stand or whatever until it passes and I don't care anymore if it passes or not. Sometimes, to escape I guess, my mind just leaves for awhile.
.
.
.
.
.
And then slowly comes back.

As you might imagine, one of these episodes can take a fair amount of time. It is time that is stolen from me that I will never get back and cannot prevent. This makes me angry and sad, but I can't help it.

I find it hard to admit that I cannot control certain aspects of my mind and my life. I HATE not being in control of my mind and my emotions (thank-you Mr. Spock). Even though I know it isn't my fault, I can't help but feel guilty about it. Sometimes that guilty feeling sets it all off again.

Eventually, it passes and I can resume my life. But that Sneak Thief has stolen some more of my time. And I'll never get it back.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Dare you

Dare to wonder as you did when you were a child.
Dare to dream again as you did when you were younger.
Dare to live rather than survive.
I dare you. And me.

Pax,
N

Fall

Fall is like late afternoon in the seasonal day. That is my least favorite part of the day, because all possibilities are rapidly becoming lost and although soon it will be early evening (when things are changing in my head for the better, sometimes) and then night, (and alright again), it isn't just yet. It is a time of remembrances for me and a time for wishing I'd got done at least a part of all I'd intended to do that day.

But, hey: at least the colors are pretty.

Thoughts?

Pax,
N.

9/11

Never forget.

Good Day

It started out as a pretty good day, for a Monday. The children were more or less happy and almost everybody got up on time. I drove the children to their respective destinations (daycare for the little one and day camp for the bigger one) and all was well with them.

I came home and ate a sensible breakfast (although Hardee's sausage biscuits were calling out to me, I managed to resist that siren song) of high fiber cereal and fruit and milk and a little coffee. I fed the cats and did my workout routine. I have one of those machines one can order from the television: not a big Bowflex or anything, but a smaller version which works the muscles using stretch resistance. I had a good little workout and was left shaking at the end of it. Felt good.

I came up to my office/music room and checked my email and surfed the web for a little while.

Then I decided to go for a bike ride. I packed up the bike on the rack on the back of my beat-to-hell-and-back-again Jeep and set off for the bike trail. Naturally I took my camera along, just in case. I had a pretty good ride: about 8 miles altogether. I managed to get some good photographs too, I think. I haven't checked yet. I would have ridden longer but I felt a little shaky (thought perhaps my blood sugar was getting a little low – damn diabetes anyway!), so I quit a little earlier than I might have otherwise. I like to ride about 13 – 15 miles when I'm in better shape. Packed up the bike and headed for home.

When I got home, I put away the bike and came upstairs to fix my lunch. I ate a nice lunch of a sandwich, Fritos (God's own junk food) and skim milk (I prefer skim: I was raised on it). I had a nice slice of my lovely wife's lemon pound cake for dessert and washed it down with the milk. During lunch, I watched an episode of “Flipper” and relaxed for a bit.

All was well up to this point and I had had a pretty good day so far.

Then, out of the blue and without warning, I got hit hard by a wave of depression. I may have mentioned before that among my other ailments (getting old SUCKS, but it still beats the alternative), I also suffer from chronic depression. Usually I am in control of it (rather than the other way around) and I handle it with a combination of good therapy and medication. Every once in a while, it hits pretty hard. Just now is one of those times. Sometimes when it happens, I just ride it out and know (pray) that it will pass. Today, I am dealing with it by writing about it. If I am able to do something, anything, it will usually pass more quickly it might otherwise, but there is no guarantee.

The thing about depression is that it really is a disease. People who have it often feel that they deserve to feel this way because they have done something bad or that they are just not good enough people to feel better or a multitude of other reasons why it is their fault. I know I felt that way for a very long time (still do, sometimes). That ain't so, folks. It is NOT our fault and we do NOT deserve to feel this way. We are no better or worse than anyone else. We have a disease which is often treatable. We may never be 'cured' of it, but we can manage it, with hard work, therapy and sometimes medication.

If you suffer from depression, get help: you are worth it.

There will be times when nothing will help. Those times are hard. Earnest Hemingway (who also had severe chronic depression) called those times the 'black-ass days' and I have found no better description.

Today, I might just be able to work though it. Thanks for listening.

Thoughts?

Pax,

Nelson

Easter: Happy indeed.

Thank-you God: for your Son and for my sons.

Nothing much to add.

Pax,
Nelson

Thinking again

You know, life really is not fair. I've been trying to get over that fact for most of my life, I think. I have often said it and believed it, but always in the back of my mind, hoped it wasn't true.

I'm telling you people, it's true.

I want to work again and support my family, but there is no work for me to do (none I'm qualified for anyway: if I was a nurse, I'd be in like Flynn).

This is a really hard time to be in need of a job.

Maybe I can invent something that everybody needs. Or sell some of my photographs. Or something.

God help us to help ourselves.

Pax,
Nelson