Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Ehh

Got me a headache today. Gotta get some aspirin. Ya'll take care now, ya hear?

Pax,
Nelson

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Lost?

It's a halfway beautiful day. I might go out side.

When I was a little boy, I am pretty sure I had dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I think I wanted to be a scientist for a while and maybe even an astronaut. Nothing too unusual for a child to dream. I really can't remember specifically what I wanted to be way back then. I don't remember a lot about being that boy, either. Except I was loved and adults, with whom I spent a lot of time ( I was sick a lot when I was small), thought I was special and that great things were in my future.

I lived most of my life with that thought in mind: I am special and great things are in my future.

Funny thing.

Turns out that I'm still waiting for that future to kick in. I'm special and there are great things in my future. I've lived what might well turn out to be half my life waiting for evidence of what makes me special and those promised great things of my future.

Meanwhile, I've lived pretty well. I had friends growing up and I had family and a relatively nurturing environment. I've been educated at a fairly good school. I'm even reasonably intelligent. I think I've had a lot of fun over the years. Certainly, I've worked at that. I have saved a life, more than once. I have worked and worked hard to be the best at whatever job I have been employed over the years.

I've made a life with a woman who loves me and has born me two fine sons. We have made a good home together and I love my family dearly. I am thankful to God and all those who went before me to have helped me become what I am today. I've never truly wanted for anything material, up to this point.

I've never really lacked for anything, except for a sense of purpose and self-validation.

I am a modern man.

That little boy with his long-lost dreams dreams never dreamed of what he would become.

What I am now.

I am 48 years old and have no direction and no job and no likely prospects. And I think this is mostly my fault. Am I now heading into a midlife crisis? Possibly. I'm certainly in a professional crisis.

Now what?

There must be something. There must be.

Something.

Maybe, somehow, I will be able to generate a self with purpose and meaning, so that my family will not lose everything because of choices I have made or failed to make. There is no one to help me now. No mother, no father, no ancestors: I must do it on my own. Because it turns out I'm really not all that special and no great things await me in my future. Unless I can make them happen.



Pax,
Nelson

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Today is another day

It's a beautiful day outside and I think I'm going to go out and enjoy it. I recommend you do the same.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson