Rock, paper, scissors

My friend Ludie over at Ludieman's Blog has begun a series of blogs regarding the three words above. Reading them has caused me to think. I'm not usually keen on thinking, preferring instead to get my opinions from television; especially detective shows and Science Fiction, but sometimes, in spite of myself, I think about things on my own. I have my friends (and you know who you are) to thank for this. Sometimes I even write about those thoughts. This is one of those times. Thanks a bunch Ludie!

Here is my take on things.

A fact is a piece of information that exists. It is neither true nor untrue, it simply is. As such, a fact is not subject to debate and need not be agreed upon nor disputed. I see a relationship between fact and belief and theory. A theory is a (hopefully) coherent set of possibilities based on available facts. Belief is like theory, except it does not have to rely entirely upon facts. Belief may refer to fact and may, in part, be based on available facts, but it is largely based on emotional constructs. It seems to me that an inability to resolve the differences between fact, theory and belief has caused no end of human misery and suffering throughout our existence. The attempts to resolve those differences have also caused a great deal of advancement in human thought and ethics. I hope that will continue, but I'd just as soon let the misery be at an end.

I don't see this as a problem. I see it as part of what makes us human. We're animals, but we're animals who can think. Did God make us this way or did we just get this way on our own? Personally, I think God made us and let us get this way on our own. I prefer the theory of Evolution over the belief in Creative Design over the belief that God created man of earth and woman of man's rib after five very, very busy days. But since I wasn't there at the time, I don't know for sure and that doesn't really bother me. However, if someone else doesn't feel that way, I'm not likely to stomp them for it. It is hard enough making ends meet without having to stomp somebody for what they believe or be stomped for what I believe. Let it go. There's no way to know for sure in this life, so why bother about it? I believe in God. I find merit in the theory of evolution. Was God behind all of what has been created? Maybe. I hope to (and believe I will) find out when I die. Until then, I'm good with all that man has discovered about himself and his surroundings.

Let us keep thinking and debating over facts and theories.
Let us discuss our beliefs. Let us no more go to war over things we cannot know.

I'm too simple minded sometimes, I guess.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Crystal

Have you ever had one of those moments of absolutely perfect clarity? I'm talking about one of those moments when every single component combines and nothing could possibly improve it. It is as if a crystal is struck with a tiny silver hammer and a chime sounds and the whole world freezes in that instant. You will remember that chime and that instant for the rest of your life (may it be long and prosperous).

I heard that chime this morning.

The boys were loaded into the back of my car and all seat belts were fastened. As I usually do, I called out to them from the driver's seat, "OK everybody ready? Seat belts fastened, headlights on and doors locked?"

My 8 month old son made a noise like this, "aaaAAAAEEEaaa!"
My 5 year old son exclaimed, "YES SIR!"

I said, "OK!" and put the car in reverse. I turned around to see where I was going, hit the gas and said, "OK! Here we GO!"

At that moment, the first guitar licks to The Eagles' "Take it Easy" kicked in and it was CRANKED. My five year old son's eyes popped wide open. His face lit up in wonder and pleasure and amazement. He had never heard the song before and he LOVED IT! His little brother gurgled with pleasure! Total joy flashed through me: tears came to my eyes (and stayed there all the way to Day Care). I turned around, put the car in Drive and we were off!

Frozen in my mind was a link between now and when I first heard that song, about thirty years ago. "Take it Easy" is one of the best driving songs I have ever experienced. I say experienced and not heard, because I don't just hear that song when I drive. The song becomes a part of the whole driving experience from the sole of my foot on the gas pedal, to my tailbone pressing against the seat as I accelerate, to my hands lightly but firmly gripping the steering wheel. I am ONE with the car, the road, the planet, maybe even God. And this morning, I was again ONE with all of that and my sons. It was a moment I will never forget.

Driving, like life, should be about traveling and the journey, not the destination. Today, we traveled.

I hope you hear that crystalline chime at least once in your life. I truly do.

May your life be a journey and not just a way to a destination.


Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Ha ha ha!

OK, I crack myself up sometimes. I ordered some meds online this morning, because I was going to run out of certain ones fairly soon. No problem there; all was well.

A little later in the day, while I was filling up my pill boxes I thought to myself,
'If my anti-depressants don't get here in time, I'll be sad.'

I had a nice long laugh.

I am grateful for modern technology, the use of which allows me to share this moment with the world at large and with you, my favorite readers!

Thoughts?


Pax,
Nelson

Maybe

I'm sleeping, on average, about four hours a night. Getting up with the baby for night time feedings is hard on a body. I do it almost all the time now, because L has to be alert for work and, since I don't work, I'm the most logical choice for night feedings. The thing is, I can't sleep during the day. I'm not sure why. Maybe feeling guilty for not doing all the things that need to be done around the house? Probably. Lately, I have not been able to get much of anything done around the house, I can't seem to get motivated. Or even get started.

-internal dialog-

You don't need motivation: just do it!

Yeah, like that's gonna work.

If I could, I would.

If I could just get started on something. Anything.

-end I.D.-

The computer is a sweet lure and I have lost hours of life just surfing the damn web. I need to lay off from the computer for awhile. The difficulty there is that I often enjoy working on it. I like what I'm able to create, when I create something. When I'm 'working' on the computer, I feel like I'm doing something, you know? Something worthwhile is happening and therefore I have reason to keep doing it: I am self-validating by being a productive, contributory member of society. Except, surfing the web is not really creative or important and I'm not accomplishing anything at all really. Just pushing ones and zeros around, but I'm not even doing that when I'm surfing. Sometimes, I just surf for no reason: just need to be on the web.

I've 'met' some really neat people out there in cyberspace: good people, who like me and value me. But they are not going to raise my children or pay my bills. If I died tomorrow, most (not all) would be unlikely to notice I was gone, unlike my real time friends and family. I would have little effect on their lives.

Maybe I'll buy a kitchen timer or something to help me minimize regulate my time on the web.

Maybe I'll find a way to get more sleep.

Maybe my next post will be more coherent.

Maybe I'll write something about long term sleep deprivation.

Maybe I'll find a job.

Maybe I'll do something.

Maybe.

Thoughts?

This parenting thing...

One thing that the parenting books tell you about taking care of a sick baby is that you have to take care of yourself as well. That makes a lot of sense whe you read it and sounds like it is a simple enough thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Our little guy has had an earache since about Saturday. We've been to the doctor and are getting better (or I wouldn't be writing this right now, that is for sure!). Meanwhile, I stink, itch and am in DESPERATE need of a shower. Haven't had one since Saturday. Baby wants constant attention when he is sick and there ain't no putting him down and tending to your own needs. L & I are lucky to have been able to go to the bathroom, much less shower. Those few times Baby has been quiescent have been spent by us trying to rest, just a little bit. I think we slept a total of about 6 hours last night- combined!

No, the books don't mention this part of the journey. But it's still a wonderful journey, this parenting thing is!

Gotta go! Baby is winding up again!

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Heroes

I've been putting off going over to my Daddy's house for about a week or so. The reason for this is because almost every time I go in there, I find myself shunted down memory lane. Sometimes, more often than not, that is a good trip and it's nice to take. Sometimes, it is not so nice.

Almost always, I get sad and miss him, terribly, all over again.

When we were small children, pretty much every night, our father would tell us of the saga of The Little Blue and White Airplane. The Little Blue and White Airplane was a hero and went around doing heroic good deeds whenever and wherever he was needed. We three would be in the bed either in my room or in my sister's. My father would lie down in the middle of the bed and we would scramble up on either side of his mighty chest. Once we were all settled, he would begin, “This is the story of The Little Blue and White Airplane. As you may remember, last time...” and he would give us a brief recap of what happened last time. Then he would start in with the latest installment. To this day, I can remember no happier time in my childhood. The sound of his voice was soothing to me. I can remember both hearing it and feeling it as I lay with my ear close to his chest. I can remember his scent and the feel of his white cotton T-shirt. I was safe and warm and completely happy.

I don't think I have felt quite that way again, ever, since that time.

Our father frequently had to go out on the road for his job. He had a paving company and had to go where the work was. Often he would be gone for a week or more. We missed him when he was gone, I'm sure. He would try to be with us as best he could, long distance. He would write out episodes of “The Little Blue and White Airplane” on composition paper, in inch high letters so that I would be able to read them. I think they were mainly for me, as my sister was but 4 years old at the time and could not yet read. I was seven. He would write down the stories, put them in big manila envelopes, and mail them back to us from wherever he happened to be that week.

I lived for those stories. They were from my Daddy, you see.

Today, I found two of them. One is dated April 11, 1968 and the other is April 18, 1968. I read them this afternoon after I got home and got my mind settled. All those feelings came back and I had to get them down while they were fresh. I'm a little teary right now, just thinking about back then, forty years ago. I can't tell you how pleased I was to find them. I don't know what I might give to get the rest of them, but I have these two and that will do. Thanks God and thanks Daddy for saving them.

My Daddy and I developed some major and serious issues as I got older. I won't go into that now. It's not the time. I guess I want to remember and to tell the world that no matter what, our Daddy loved us. And we loved him.

No doubt about it.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

been not bloggin'

'been not bloggin'
not for a while,
'been not bloggin'
ain't had no style.
been doin' other stuff
been readin' other things.
'been not bloggin'
in a mighty long while.

(Perhaps to the tune of "Been caught stealin" by Jane's Addiction. Perhaps not.)

Haven't posted any words in a while. Well, that will soon change. I promise. The big question is, "Does anybody care?" aside from me, that is. I write here primarily for myself but I welcome comments and, of course, readers.
More or less soon.

Thoughts?

Pax,
N.

A fickle mistress

I wanted to get this down before I forget it again.

Depression is a fickle mistress. Those of us in her thrall are well aware of this. One minute (or day or week or...) we're really down and there's no point in trying to do anything more than breathe and the next (with proper medication and the grace of God) we're able to maintain our emotional lives at a fairly decent level. When the fairly decent level times out number the down times, that is counted as a good thing and the medications are doing their jobs and God is in his heaven and all is right with the world. Even with the medication, there are still downs and we know that, but they are not so bad as they would be without the medications. Those leveled out times are what we strive for in the the world of chronic depression and believe me, they are well worth the effort.

Something happened to me yesterday. I was totally unprepared for it and it surprised me so much I didn't quite know how to deal with it. I felt good. Really good. I was even, dare I say, HAPPY for a while! It had been so long since I felt that way, I really was unprepared for it. I must say, I enjoyed it immensely. It wasn't a feeling of euphoria or super good mood or manic upswing or anything like that. It was simply a period of happiness that went on for several hours.

It did not last, but that is alright. I'm glad to have experienced the time. I can hope it may happen again and that will help keep me going, even through the bad times.

Somewhere there is still a bit of light.

Thoughts?


Pax,
Nelson

Laughing

This evening, Walter and I were goofing around after dinner and Samuel was watching us. Walter was laughing and I was laughing and Laura was laughing, too. All of a sudden a fourth laugher joined us! Little Samuel was laughing his little butt off at Walter and me! As far as any of us know, the baby busted out into a belly laugh for the very first time.

I had forgotten how wonderful the first laugh from a baby is.

I hope each and every one of you has the privilege of hearing a baby's first real laugh at least once in your life. There's nothing else like it in the world. And so I will not even try to offer a description. I may have had all sorts of thoughts and worries and doubts about him up until that point, but once he cut loose with that sweet sound, none of that mattered anymore: I knew he was gonna be alright.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Rumours Continued

Well, I must have read good enough. I'll be playing the part of Welch, the policeman.

Rumours, continued.

Auditions tonight were fun and I think I read pretty well. Going back again tomorrow night. Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow night if I got cast, but it may not be until later in the week. We shall see.

Pax,
N

Reaction

I was reading a post over at my friend's blog (thanks for that, Musings!) and it got me to thinking. I don't normally like to think overly much because then I have to be aware of things on more than a reactionary level and sometimes that can be painful for me.


A lovely by-product of depression.


Anyway, the post was a poem, I think. I'm not sure what it's from, but it was credited. It deals with (as I interpret it) delusion and desire. It mentions a dying nation. I'm taking that to mean our nation, but it might not. It could be any nation, I suppose, where there are rich and poor people. You can read it here, if you wish.


Our nation is not yet dying, but it's definitely in need of some reshaping. What's important isn't defined by the dollar rising and sinking, but I think we let ourselves feel that way sometimes. It's easier than facing whatever personal issues we may be having. Introspection is difficult when faced with price crisis and the need to have the next best thing. It seems that greed has become equated with need.


For example: I would love to have a new SLR type digital camera. I really would. I feel like I need and deserve it. But WTF!?!? I don't even have a freekin' JOB! How dare I want a new camera? How could I delude myself into thinking of it as a need? The human mind is infinitely clever at ways of deceiving itself. Mine is no exception. New camera does NOT equal need (in my case). But I do want it...


Of course, what is important is life and how we choose live it.


A new system of values must needs be developed and implemented. It must start at a personal level and move into the mainstream once begun. I don't see how it can work any other way.


I just wish I knew how to do it.


Thoughts?

Pax,
N

Rumours

Auditioned for Rumours by Neil Simon. Was asked to come back next week, so we'll see...
Pax,
Nelson

Walking in Memphis

I took a fast walk around my neighborhood this morning. It like to killed me. I started out, full of good intentions to walk a good deal further than that. I shortly realized I was not going to get as far as I'd hoped, so I reset my sights to a walk around the block. I got hot and the lack of sleep last night quickly began to catch up with me. I tried to out walk it and went a little faster. Weariness went faster than I did.

It was a fast walk and it was hot, but still. I have got to get into shape. Or I will die a much sooner death than I had anticipated.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

2008_0614Walks0020c

2008_0614Walks0020c, originally uploaded by wnelweb.

We have a little cherry tree in our side yard. Every year, I go out and taste the cherries. This year there have been more and better tasting ones than ever before. Want one?

Testing, testing, one two three!

Many times over the years, I've been told (by people whose intelligence and wisdom I have had every reason to trust and by total idiots and by many people in between) that God never gives us more than we can handle. For a long time (most of my adult life, actually), I believed that to be true.

No longer.

Now, I am pretty sure that God gives us just enough rope to hang ourselves. I think He (or She or whatever) allows us to give ourselves and each other more crap to deal with every single day and those who can handle best, rise to the top of the heap. I think God tests us constantly and that He often gives us WAY more than we can handle just to see what we will do. If God truly gave us no more than we can handle, there would be no suicides and the mental institutions would not exist. There would be no need for social workers and there would be no war. And we would all just get along. It is no secret that this is not the case.

I told you all that to set you up for what I'm going to tell you now.

Samuel, our youngest (3 months) is sick again. He has a mild fever and has been throwing up all morning. This would not be a problem if Daddy had gotten enough sleep last night. As it happened, I was up until 12:30 feeding the Little Prince and then got back up with him at 5:00 to feed him again. Laura would have gotten up, but I was already awake and it is more important that she be rested than me (she has a job to go to, after all). Basically, I'm pretty damn tired. And I get a wee bit short-fused when I get real tired.

Anyway, I was looking forward to a bit of rest once I'd gotten the boys to Daycare.

I got both of them in the car, seat belts on and baby seats locked in, and as I turned from kissing my lovely wife goodbye, the baby exploded. Threw up everything he had ingested this morning. About 5 ounces of warmed over formula now covered our child, his clothes, his blanket and his car seat. How he was able to miss the upholstery in the car is a mystery to me. It wasn't for lack of effort, I can tell you that.

It was all I could do not to cuss loud and long and basically have a foaming-at-the-mouth, ground-chewing, apoplectic fit right there on the front lawn in front of God, the neighborhood, the cats and everybody.

Instead, I bent my head down and bit my tongue. Hard.

Laura took Walter to Daycare and I took the baby back inside.

That was two hours ago. He has finally calmed enough to put him in the bouncy seat (a great invention, bye the way: he gets in there and starts kicking and playing with these little hanging things which arc over the chair. Just gives it hell and has a ball). So I thought I would take a little time and post a little post. And this is it. I'm more calm now and Samuel is also. We're OK.

We were able to handle it this time, God. This time...

Thoughts?

Pax, Nelson

PS> Finally asleep, maybe a nap now?

Relief

Quick note.
I had my three month check in with my doctor today. I had feared I would have to go on insulin as the previous blood work showed my blood sugar had gone up. This time, it went down!
I'm not talking about a daily check, mind you. There is a blood sugar test which measures how one is doing over the long haul. I had been steadily decreasing that level over the last couple of years, but last quarter, it went up.
Diet and exercise will yet win the day!

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Baby fever day 5

Laura spent last night in the hospital with Samuel and I stayed home and got some much needed sleep. Our son Walter stayed with some friends.
This morning, Laura brought the baby home.

And the baby is home now! Last diagnosis was bronchiolitis.

Thank you God and the staff at VA Baptist Hospital, Pediatrics.

I just learned from my friend at Musings that my friends Ludie and Sarah are now the proud parents of a baby girl as of this morning! So congratulations to them!

Good day for all of us.


Pax,

Nelson

Baby fever day 4

Day 4 in hospital. Samuel seems to be a little better, but not a lot. His fever is gone, Thank God, but his stopped up nose and whuffling and such have not. Laura spent the first night here and I've been here the last two. I'll probably be here tonight as well.

The doctors tell us he will get well and that it's just a matter of time and waiting at this point. If he wasn't so little, they probably would have sent him home already, but he is only 8 weeks old (yesterday, as it happens), so they're not. I wonder how he likes life so far...

They still want to keep him here for observation, at least one more night. He might get to go home tomorrow. I sure hope so.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Baby fever

Well, hell.
Baby has had a cold for the last few days and he's been pretty miserable. Snuffling and whuffling and trying to breathe with a head full of it has been his lot.

Today, he spiked a fever of 103 .

He is now in hospital for a 48 hour period of observation (when I left, his fever was around 100) accompanied by his weary and worried mother. I'm home with the elder son.
Laura and I are both somewhat under the weather (low grade fevers and (for me) sore throat) and our oldest, thank God, is fine.

So far.

There's a lot that goes through one's mind on the way to the hospital and very little of it is good, usually. There is fear and worry and sympathy and helplessness and all that over and over. Makes that ten minute drive an eternity.

There's that time thing again...

Anyway, that's how our evening has run.

How's about you?

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Time

And before you know it...

Time is not what it once was. I know you will say it is my perception of time which has changed and not time itself, but this is untrue. There are days now which are made only of hours. There are days now which are made only of minutes. Still more days that are made of nights. And some of them are endless, sleepless, listless (You know, I've never head of something being listful before: have you? Lustful, maybe...) and full with weariness.

All time is now relative and subjective.

Ah, but when I look into those eyes looking up at me with perfect trust and love...

Yeah, it's worth it...

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Win XP SP3 troubles?

Not for me. I've updated two out of three machines and no problems I can see. I had a bit of trouble with one of them (my main PC), but I am fairly certain it was due to intermittent internet service interruptions from my provider. Once that cleared up, it was relatively smooth sailing. Each machine took about 30 minutes to do (using the update from Microsoft) and after one reboot apiece, all was (and still is) well.

No problems at all. No appreciable difference in performance, either. But it may be too soon to tell.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Baby

OK. So we've switched formulas again, this time to a soy-based product. Started last night and I believe there has been an improvement. I say that, because all of us slept more last night. Not all the way through mind you, but a good bit more than we have been. Today, he has been gassy, but not to the extent he had been. I think. It may be wishful thinking on my part, but I do believe it is better.

Having related the state of gaseous anomalies within my poor baby's body, let me just tell you another thing or two. This baby's insides produce some of the smelliest, stinkiest aromas currently on the planet. I'm not kidding: it makes my nostrils burn and I cry, just a little, every time I change one of the poopy diapers.

I had a very dear friend (still a very good friend, though he lives far away) in college who had the smelliest, foulest, most room-clearing farts ever. I used to call them Tahitian Death Farts. They were especially potent if we'd been drinking the might before, which was usually the case. I'm not saying mine were any bed of roses, mind you, but his TDF's were truly something special.

He had nothing on this baby.

I wish I could describe for you all how astonishingly bad the gas that the insides of this child produces smell, but I don't have the proper adjectives. I don't think they exist in English. Suffice it to say, you could use this aroma in some real version of some of the RPG's which have versions of hell in them.

Sorry for the graphic and basic nature of the second half of today's post, but I just had to share. If anything happens to us whilst changing this child, someone had to know!

It was a moral imperative.

Parenting. I love it!


Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Baby

coffeegood.
Baby awake every hour last night; hungry with gas. Daddy awake ALL night. Both very tired. Mommy got to sleep some (a good thing) by being on the sofa downstairs. Big brother slept like a stone.

Posts, if they appear at all, will be brief for a while.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

BSG

OK. BattleStar Gallactica may be the best show on TV and all. It may be worth fighting off much needed sleep to watch. It may decide the fate of our world as we know it... Wait. Too far.

Frak.

My take is this: They're ALL CYLONS!

Thoughts?

Pax,
N.

New Hotness, Continued

OK! Thursday 8PM exactly, our second son entered this world weighing 7 pounds 3 & 1/2 ounces and measuring 20 & 1/2 inches in length. Mother and baby are just fine and Daddy is moderately OK. Little brother is, by turns, excited and wary, but overall happy the baby is home.
There's a reason they call it labor, folks. It's WORK! We checked into the hospital Wednesday morning and they started the inducement drugs at 8:00 am. My dear wife was in labor from that moment until she delivered nearly 2 days later.
All worth it, according to her.
Anyway, we're home and all will now be different, but well.

Thoughts?

Pax,
N.

New Hotness

OK, then. Quick and dirty! Well maybe not so dirty. We're counting down the days now. Baby's coming on or about 3/19/08!
I'll keep you posted! Posted: get it? POSTED! LOL! That's a joke son, a funny. I keep pitchin' and you keep missing.
Thank-you Foghorn Leghorn. Now be quiet, I'm trying to type.

Pax,
Nelson

Light-hearted, but interesting

This is only a small post and I'm not sure it counts. But then again, I don't care. My last post was pretty heavy. This here ain't that.
Thanks Ludie, for the link to this silliness.

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I'm not really sure this is an accurate representation of my personality, but what the hell? It's mildly entertaining and free. Like Hotmail. And junk mail.

Pax,
N.

Series of introspections: Part one

Once upon a time, I was a good and steady man.

I was once gainfully employed. I worked in a job where I felt unappreciated and largely unnecessary. I worked very hard at this job and made some money at it, but not near what it was worth. My day would start at 4:30 or 5:00 when I would wake up and shower and dress and leave for work. I would arrive at around 6:00 or 6:30 and would work until 6:30, 7:00, 7:30 in the evening. I did this for several years. The work was tedious, repetitious and stultifying. Despite that, I became very good at what I did. My co-workers felt much the same way, I think. The morale on the team was usually very low and little joy was had by anyone. Dreary would be a kind way to describe the general working atmosphere. There were times of happiness, of course and sometimes laughter. One had to find a way to laugh just to get through the day. But it was rarely a fun place to be.

My team consisted of a diverse group of individuals from different backgrounds. They were highly opinionated and were often difficult to bring into one accord. Often, there was petty bickering and even open dislike of one another. I know this because I was promoted from within this team to become their leader. When all was said and done, I think I would have preferred to stick with doing the work instead of leading the team, but that was not really an option. My team respected and liked me for the most part I think, but I'm not sure how effective I was as a leader. I dislike and sometimes fear conflict. Not a good trait for a supposed leader, but I did the best I could. Since I was a former co-worker, they all knew my strengths and conversely, my weaknesses. To their collective credit, they rarely exploited that knowledge. Despite their differences, they were all good people.

As Team Lead, I was expected to conduct daily team meetings and bolster team spirit as well as focus the efforts of the team on the tasks at hand for the day. Unfortunately for me and my team, I had no idea how to go about this. I had never had any training in how to be an effective leader and had to learn on the fly. It was very hard to keep these meetings from devolving into gripe sessions, but I did what I could. I tried to give notice of good work done to my team whenever it was warranted and possible. I tried to make them feel as though they were an important part of the whole (which they certainly were) and kept any criticisms out of the public eye and between the individual and myself. I did the best I knew how to do and the best I could. I led the team in this way for a little over a year.

My immediate superior was a lovely person and (I think) a good friend. She too had been promoted from within and I think that she (like me) would have been happier doing the work and not having to manage. As far as I know, she had never had any management training either. We had many long talks which were quite meaningful at the time, but ultimately came to nothing. The emphasis was always on production and the senior management on site rarely had time (nor perhaps, inclination) for such things. I don't recall a time when any one of my bosses ever told me I was doing a good job. They may have done so, but I cannot remember. They were too busy working to satisfy the customer. Not being railed at by senior management on site was counted as a good day by those of us in junior management.

Aside from being a leader, I was expected to carry a full workload and also make up any work leftover by the team on a daily basis. I worked a great deal of overtime and rarely saw my family. This was a difficult situation as my first born son was an infant and then a toddler. I was working so much that I would leave in the morning before he awoke and arrive in the evening after he had been put to bed. The situation caused stress and strain to my wife and to me and to our relationship. She told me she felt like a single parent and that I was missing some of the best years of our son's life. She was correct. My health had declined somewhat and my wife was very concerned that I might actually work myself to death. In retrospect, I think her concerns were likely valid.

Over the course of time, I realized I could no longer tolerate not seeing my family anymore. After great consideration and with the encouragement of my wife, I decided to quit. It took a little while to manage it, but I did manage and finally walked out the door. I left behind a not-so-great-but-made-most-of-the-bills salary. I left behind some very good people, some of whom I called friends. I miss some of them still.

Was it worth it?

Hell yes.

That was two and a half years ago. I haven't worked a day since then (at a regular job) and I go to therapy in the hopes that I can manage to live with my new self and not feel too guilty about not working. I am trying to deal with the (at times) crushing guilt I feel as a result of living a life which many would give their eye teeth to be able to live. This is not easy for me as I was raised to believe that one was of no merit unless one worked everyday and worked hard at that. My father worked hard all his life until his health made him stop. He and my mother raised me and my sister to hold ourselves to and base ourselves (and our self worth) on that work ethic. Up until I quit (a very negative word in our house), I had lived up to that ideal since I was fourteen. I have not found it easy to give all that up. I am managing to do it, but it is not easy for me. I am not completely indolent as one might think I could be. I take care of our household chores and still pay (by means of a small inheritance) nearly all our bills. Still, for those who are wondering, I am not happy with the way I live now. I need to work. The thing is that I am not qualified to do anything except what I was doing before. My job was so specialized that no one else in my city has any need for it. I don't want to move because we love living in this area. I don't know what else to try, either. I am now forty-seven years old with no more direction or goal or even idea of what I want to do with my life than I had when I started college. And my life is probably about half over.

Tragic? I don't know, but it sure doesn't help with the depression much.

More on the depression later.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Not yet

Happy March folks!
I haven't given it up! I will be posting something before too long. For now, I'm in a dry spell, but 'soon it's gonna rain. I can feel it.' I hope all of you who read my blog are well and safe and happy, not necessarily in that order...
;)
Can anyone tell me how to get smileys to work in here?

Pax,
Nelson

Lights, Camera, Action!

Well, just camera really.

Hi there. I'm hoping you can help me. Laura (my far better half) and I are considering upgrading from our camera (Fujifilm Finepics E550), with which we have been very happy, to something which has a little more bang for the buck. We're looking for something which has a faster recovery time (between click to click again) and a more accurate and sensitive auto-focus. We're still considering sticking with the point and shoot variety, but would not be adverse to considering a digital SLR, if we could find one (which doesn't suck) within our price range. We're aiming for somewhere between $400.00 & $800.00. Ease of use is a big factor, also.

Any suggestions?

Pax,
Nelson

Meanwhile...

I have not posted in quite a while. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, it's that I haven't committed the time to say it or the mind to formulate the sentences. I prefer to think this has been a matter of choice on my part, but I'm not really sure.

Much has happened in my life and things are not the same, but they feel that way. Maybe that is part of the reason for the long silence as well. Maybe there are other reasons or maybe no reason at all. I'm not sure at this point.

Regardless, I plan on writing something of substance soon. I don't want to be forgotten, especially by me!

:)

I started this blog as an adjunct to therapy and it worked fine that way. It has grown a bit into more than that and I'd like to continue that growth. It would be good to have more readers as well, but to get those, I need to post a lot more and comment a lot more on other blogs.

That takes work, doesn't it? I'm not big on work, but I'm working on it.

Thoughts?

Pax,
Nelson

Cheese

Can this little guy cheese or what?