My son is outside playing in our yard. I'm trying to think of what to write for my blog and I'm not having much luck. We are waiting for my sister and her children to come over. She has come in town to deliver some boxes at out father's house, hopeful that I will fill them up with stuff. We've made no progress recently on closing the house. We should probably get to that. He has been dead for a year and a half. Neither of us seems inclined, however...
It's hard, really hard, losing your last parent. We, or at least I, continue to have a hard time with it. I think our putting off dealing with the house is one way to deny dealing with his death and the total end of our childhood. There will never again be anyone we can turn to for parental advice. Ever. Granted, we're both in our forties and rarely need that kind of advice, but it was always there for us. Now it is not. So there is that.
Also, my father and I have (had) a complicated history. There was lots of good between us, but also lots of bad. I've been trying to forgive him for all the bad and myself for the guilt I have for admitting the badness. I think I've largely managed to forgive him, but not myself. Therapy is helping with that, but it is as always, ultimately up to me. In any case, I can't tell him anything about it anymore anyway. So what does it matter? Well, I guess what would matter is that I might finally be able to get on with my life without the overwhelming sense of depression and guilt. That is the ultimate goal and getting through the issues with my Daddy is a step in that direction. I owe it to him, but mostly to myself, to move on. I am a good man, I am a good father, I am going to be capable of believing that someday. I am.
Other news: Our pregnancy moves along as well as it should. L. is moving out of the phase where she is tired all the time and is starting to enjoy things a bit more now. We will be able to determine what flavor we're getting this time in late November. Each couple has different views on this, but we definitely want to know. It helps to plan for the baby much better, if you know what you're getting. I'll let you know when we know.
Speaking of impending babies, many of you already know that my friend Ludie is gonna be a Daddy himself. Congratulations once again, Ludie & Sarah! You've begun a wonderful journey and I know that for a person who likes to drive as much as you do, you're gonna love this trip!
I think that's probably enough for now. I've written this blog using Google Docs and I want to see how well it copies over. (Turns out I had to redo the links and the font I chose didn't survive the transition. I think it had more to do with my unfamiliarity with the program than anything else. It's still pretty cool.) I'm trying to supply a link for you, but I don't seem able to get there without accessing my own docs. If this one doesn't work right, you can do a Google search and find your way there, if you're interested, I'm sure.
Thoughts?
Monday, October 15, 2007
A few thoughts for this week
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5 comments:
Well, I've never been here before, but it looks like I picked the right time to start. Thank you so much for the congratulations, I appreciate it, as I know Ludie does as well.
We will be finding out the flavor of our baby as well. I am too much of a planner and Ludie just plain hates surprises and would find out anyway. We will know the flavor in time for Christmas.
And don't worry too much about not having finished the business with your father yet. Everything has its own time table, this is just part of the everything. You will get there when you should...if that even begins to make sense.
Good luck my new blog-to-read writer, I will be back!
Sarah
Thank-you very kindly, Sarah. Welcome! Always glad to have new readers. What you wrote about getting there when we should: I do understand very well.
Pax,
Nelson
Sarah, one more note for you, I hope things go easy for you: that first trimester can be a real bitch!
Hang in there, it's so much more than worth it. :)
Pax,
Nelson
well it looks like i arrived fashionably late to this party! well Nelson.. not having yet had to deal with death on the scale that you have .. i would not insult you by trying to empathize in some way.. i will simply say that pain is what it is for a reason... to remind you that YOU are alive and still have time to live life to its fullest... so make use of the time before its gone and someone else is grieving as you do. my prayers (for what they are worth from me, a godless heathen) are with you sir!
Thanks, Ludie. I think I would rather have the prayers of a 'godless heathen' than a true believer. They are much more powerful in many ways. Everything's gonna be what it should when it should be. Thanks again, man.
Bye the way. You'd have to go a long way down the road to insult me.
Pax,
N.
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